Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
Randomize
