You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
