My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
soo... how was my night?
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Randomize
