god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
Randomize
