It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
Randomize
