3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Randomize
