hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
Randomize
