Swine flu. Run for my life!
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Randomize
