"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
