then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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