we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
