Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
Randomize
