the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
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