the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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