How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
