make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
