dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
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