because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
