5 years of college and never once did they teach us how to respond when you overhear a group of 7th grade boys who are in your class talking about how you're definitely DTF
children are so perceptive these days... and horny
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
Randomize
