If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
No more Irish car bombs ever.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
Randomize
