wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Randomize
