eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
