I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
i love accidental penises.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Randomize
