I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
Randomize
