Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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