Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
This baby is an asshole
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
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