I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
