I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
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