you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
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