insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
Randomize
