i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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