So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Randomize
