someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
You know, be my cock's hype man.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
