dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
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