I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Randomize
