If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
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