At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Randomize
