You're completely useless in the revolution.
Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
