i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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