I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
Randomize
