textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I am at the point in my high where i now know/understand chinese.
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
my suitemate came in my room last night and flashed me. and then she just walked away. deff transferred to the right school
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
Randomize
