You're so nebulous sometimes
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
