dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
Randomize
