Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Randomize
