If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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