Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize