so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
