He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
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