i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
Randomize
