I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
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