somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Is it wrong to want to use the Dark Web to buy Vyvance for legitimate purposes?
Randomize
