Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
Can you repeat that, but with context?
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
Randomize
