I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
Randomize
