I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
I saw that some person on TFLN used a bag of wine as a pillow. I tried it last night. I forgot to close the spout. I woke up and thought my face had a period
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
Randomize
