So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
Randomize
