fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
