My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
I don't think blacking out in class is a good idea. But I'm game
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
Randomize
