you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
Randomize