Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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