I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
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